As you all know, in NC we are soon to launch WW3 in earnest. I decided we needed to take this oportunity to have a laugh.
As such, I will be remastering scripts from the first few episodes of Red Vs Blue Season One to reflect the personalities involved.
Red Team (Allies)Edit
- Glock- Sarge
- Wayne- Grif
- Volc- Simmons
- Rp- Lopez
- Marge- Donut
Blue Team (Entente)Edit
- Bis- Church
- Leg- Tucker
- Farma- Caboose
- Forum- Sheila
- Scorched- Vic/Vic Jr
- Cards- Tex (Only option, as the only female.)
Pan up from the ground and close in on two soldiers on top of a base, one clad in maroon armor, the other in orange.
Cut to Volc(maroon armor).
Cut to Wayne (Orange/tan armor.)
Volc: “You ever wonder why we’re here?”
Wayne: “It’s one of life’s great mysteries isn’t it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coindcidence, or is there really a God watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff.
I don’t know man. But it keeps me up at night.”
Volc: “………..What?! I mean why are we here, in this canyon, in WW3.”
Wayne: “Oh. Uh… Yeah.”
Volc: “What was all that stuff about God?”
Wayne: “Uh… hm? Nothing.”
Volc: “You want to talk about it?”
Volc: “You sure?”
Volc: “Seriously though, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it’s just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out.”
Volc: “The only reason we have an Ally base here, is because the have a Entente base over there. And the only reason they have an Entente Base over there, is because we have an Ally based over here.”
Wayne: “Yeah. That’s because we’re fighting each other.”
Volc: “No, no. But I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and if they would come and take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoopdee-*******-doo.
Wayne: “What’s up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight Pen, next thing I know, Glock blew up the whole Dark Armada and I’m stuck here in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of blue guys.
Zoom in on two soldiers, one with sniper rifle in cobalt armor, the other standing behind him in cyan armor
cut to Legless (cyan)
Leg: “What’re they doing?”
Bis (cobalt) slowly turns around to face Leg, lowering the rifle
Bis: (aggravated) “What?”
cut back to Leg
Leg: “I said, ‘What are they doing now?’”
Cut back to Bis, who is clearly fustrated.
Bis: “God damn, I’m getting so sick of answering that question!”
cut back to Leg
Leg: (defensive) “You have the fucking rifle, I can’t see shit. Don’t start to bitch at me because I’m not just gonna sit up here and play with...
cut to Bis
Bis: (interrupting) “Okay, okay look.. they’re just standing there and talking, okay? That’s all they ever do, is just stand there and talk. That’s what they where doing last week, that’s what they where doing when you asked five minutes ago. So, five minutes from now(italic), when you ask me, “what are they doing”, me answer’s gonna be, “They’re still just talking, and they’re still just standing there.”
cut to Leg
Leg: “What’re they talking about?”
Cut to Bis
Bis: “You know what? I fucking hate you.”
Cut to Volc and Wayne
Wayne: “Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms and life… and you know, fight them.”
Volc: “Yeah. That’s why they should put us in charge.”
Glock: “Ladies, front and center on the double!”
Wayne: “Fuck, he’s back.”
Volc: “Yes, sir!”
Pan out on Wayne and Volc, who are approaching another Red(ally) soldier (Glock) clad in red armor.
Glock: “Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social.”
Volc: “Ice cream social?”
Volc and Wayne exchange looks.
Cut to Glock.
Glock: “Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?”
Wayne: “Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?”
Glock: (mockingly) “That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Volc here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!”
Wayne: “I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.”
Glock: “Goddamn it, Wayne! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Volc slit your throat while you're asleep!”
Volc: “Oh I'd do it, too.”
Glock: “I know you would, Volc. Good man. (brief pause) Couple of things today, ladies. Command(Me) has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Oceania Outpost Number One.”
Wayne: “Crap. We're getting a rookie.”
Glock: “That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we received the first part of our shipment from Command(Me).”
Wayne and Volc exchange looks again.
Glock turns towards a hill behind them.
Glock: "Rp, bring up the vehicle."
A large, armor-plated, jeep-like vehicle comes over the rise with Rp in the driver seat, who pulls up along side the Allies.
Wayne: “Shotgun!” (realizes he is too late) “Fuck.”
Glock: “May I introduce our new light reconnaissance vehicle.”Camera closes in on the front of the vehicle and starts to move left, circling it.
Glock: “It has four inch armor plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.”
Cut to Wayne and Volc.
Volc: “Why Warthog, sir?”
Cut to Glock
Glock: “Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son.”
Cut to Wayne
Wayne: “I know, but why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.”
Glock: (after a brief pause) “Say that again.”
Wayne: “I think it looks more like a puma.”
Glock: “What in Bloody Hell is a puma?”
Volc: “Uh, you mean like the shoe company?”
Wayne: “No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.”
Glock: “You're making that up.”
Wayne: “I'm telling you, it's a real animal!”
Glock: “Volc, I want you to poison Wayne's next meal.”
Volc: “Yes, sir!”
Glock: (pointing at the front of the Warthog) “Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?”
Cut to Wayne
Wayne: “A walrus.”
Glock: “Wayne! Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!”
Cut to a view of the Red(allies) through the sniper rifle scope.
Cut to Leg, wielding the rifle, and Bis, wielding a M6D pistol.
Bis: “What is that thing?”
Leg lowers the rifle.
Leg: “I don't know, man. Looks like uh.. looks like they've got some sorta car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it… To you.”
Bis: (taken aback) “A car? How come they get a car?!”
Leg: “What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.”
Bis: (disappointed) “You can't pick up chicks in a tank.”
Leg: “Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything couldn't you? We're going to get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man? And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?”
Bis: (sighs) “What kind of car is it?”
Leg: (looking through the scope of the sniper rifle) “I dunno, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a... uh... like a big cat of some kind.”
Bis: “...What, like a puma?”
Leg: “Yeah, man, there you go.”
Cut to allies
Glock: “So unless anybody has anymore mythical, Magsciency creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're going to stick with the Warthog. How about it, Wayne?”
Wayne: “No, sir. No more suggestions.”
Glock: “Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?”
Wayne: “It's okay.”
Wayne: “No really. Uh, I'm cool.”
Glock: “DAMN IT VOLC. Wayne, I need you to destroy Volc’s Psyche.”
Wayne: “Hey, man, that won't be hard.”
Glock: “Now… Phoenix?”
Wayne: (sighs) “Christ.”
Fade to black.
Glock: “Hey Volc, what's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.”
Volc: “Uh, that would be the chupacabra, sir.”
Glock: “Hey Wayne, Chupathingy! How about that? I like it. Gotta ring to it.”
Volc and Wayne are on top of Red Base. A soldier in red armor (Marge) is walking up the ramp behind them.
Wayne: “Hey, that's not what happened.”
Volc: “Yes, yes it is. You said "I'm going to the Vegas Quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're in the only speeder headed for-“
Marge: “Excuse me, uh, sirs.”
Wayne: “Sirs?” (turns to Marge) “Ah crap.”
Marge: “I was told to report to Oceania Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge.”
Wayne: “Sorry man, Glock is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.”
Volc: “Actually Wayne, he left me in charge while he's gone.”
Wayne: “You are such a kiss-ass.”
Volc: “Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should... (clears throat then imitates Glock badly) "Git in the Warthog, and crush yer head like a tomato-can."”
Wayne: “That's the second worst impression I've ever heard.”
Volc: “And the first?”
Wayne: “My imitation of Glock. But then again, you did fall for it the other day when I told you to go get me a sandwich.”
Volc turns away from Wayne
Volc: “Okay rookie, what's your story?”
Marge: “Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.”
Wayne: “Few things here, rookie. First off, Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname.”
Marge: “What do you prefer, POPTART? CUPCAKE?”
Wayne: “Point taken. But you look like that lady from the Simpsons.”
Turns to Volc
Wayne: “Remember that show?”
Volc: “Remember it? It’s all that comes in all the way out here. Stupid communication lag. And it’s Marge.”
Wayne: “That’s it, You look like a Marge… Well, minus the hair.”
“Secondly, what's with the armor color?”
Marge: “This IS the standard issue red.
Wayne: “Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: Glock and newbies. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an Glock.”
Marge: (looks at Volc) “Well, he's wearing red armor.”
Volc: “No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red.”
Marge: “Well, how do I get a different color armor?”
Volc: “I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.”
Bis, Leg, and a soldier in standard issue blue (Farma) are looking at a tank.
Farma: “So I say to the guy, "how're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship," and I go, "if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"
Leg: “Hey, kid.”
Leg: “You're ruining the moment. Shut up.”
Farma: “Oh. Okay. You got it man!”
Bis: “You know what? I could blow up the whole god damn world with this thing.”
Cut to the Allies
Volc: “Okay, Private Donut…
Wayne: “Private Marge.”
Marge: “Meh, I don’t think the name will stick.”
Volc: “I just refuse to call him Private Marge!”
Wayne: “Okay, Private Marge, we've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?”
Wayne: “We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of elbow grease.”
Volc: “Yeah and uh, pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma too.”
Marge: “The what?”
Wayne glares at Volc
Volc: “Er… I mean the Warthog.”
Wayne: “You do know where the store is, right, rookie?”
Marge: “What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.”
Volc: “Well, get going then.”
Donut starts running across the base.
Wayne: “Other way.”
Marge turns around and goes the other way.
Marge: “I knew that. Just got turned around that's all.”
Wayne and Volc watch Marge running off into the Gulch.
Volc: “How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?”
Wayne: “I say.. at least a week.”
Marge runs through the Gulch, stops, and turns to talk to himself.
Marge: “Elbow grease.. How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to Glock.”
Cut to the Entente
Bis: “You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.”
Leg: “Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?”
Bis: “Leg, women are like Voltron: The more you can hook up, the better it gets.”
Cut to Wayne and Volc.
Volc: “You think that we were too mean to the kid?”
Wayne: “Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?”
Marge approaches the Entente Base
Marge: “Finally, there it is. ..Oh sweet! They sell tanks!”